Francis Evans Cornish
I am truly humbled — (Ed note.: You mean “honoured”(I damn well know what I mean — FEC)) — to see the response elicited by my first foray into the dispensing of well-earned opinions, advisories, and judgments onto this World Wide Web contraption. I still do not fully understand this concept but I am an open minded individual. Most of you magnificently performed your duty of piling missives into the inbox at CorydonTimes@gmail.com, and I shall endeavor to address your queries with all the timeliness of a moving train during the morning rush in Transcona.
Some of you, I’m sorry to say, didn’t take my invitation seriously enough. “Blue or white at the next Jet’s game?” What sort of community icon, such that I am, would dare degrade himself by answering such impertinence? And what man in full possession of his faculties wears anything other than white to a game these days?
Now, onward to more significant inquiries.
Question: With the recent announcement that Hillary Clinton has entered the U.S. Presidential Election without being fully accountable with respect to her deleted email account, would you ever delete emails from your communications? – Sara T.
Yes, yours. Next?
Question: Why don’t you smile? Our current Mayor smiles in all his pictures. — Greg B.
First, your assumption that I don’t smile is presumably based upon the image that accompanies this column. I am also under the assumption that because you and I have never met in person, you have never experienced the beauty that my smile brings to all citizens of this city. This brings me to the conclusion that you are not originally from Winnipeg and obviously wandered in from one of our neighbouring provinces. Also I am very selective in choosing my social circles and you sir are not in any of them.
I would like to have seen you smile for a portrait back in my time. If memory serves me, it required roughly ten hours of sitting entirely still for the photographic exposure to be completed. It was an all-day affair requiring enormous stamina and strength of character, which you obviously lack. For this particular picture, I even tucked an assortment of gummy bears between my gum and lower lip to sustain me as I remained motionless for the duration of the ordeal. I’d like to see you try that.
On the subject of Mr. Bowman. I have perused Mr. Bowman’s photographic images and have come to the conclusion that he employs a staff of 428 photographers. It is also evident that this army of photographers is quite experienced in the use of PhotoShop and could quite easily place a smile on anyone including Mr. Palister.
But the main reason Mr. Bowman has for his perpetual smile is that he is enjoying the fruits of my labour. It was I who said “Place Portage and Main over there.” If I had succumbed to my opponents back in the day, the country’s most famous intersection would now be Regent and Day instead of the magnificent civic icon it has become.
Most citizens also do not realize that it was I who stood firm and refused to accept the relocation of the Toronto Maple Leafs to Winnipeg. Again, I stood firm on my morals and community spirit, knowing all along that this city deserved a real hockey team.
So in short, to answer your question, I have done the real work in order to allow people like you and Mr. Bowman to smile.
On another note and in conclusion, you failed to mention what dark corner you yourself call home, but based on this query I demand that you relocate to one of those outlying burgs and save yourself further embarrassment, since you’re clearly not capable of appreciating all that I have done.
Your faithful servant,
Francis Evans Cornish
Corydon Times 